How to properly start a romantic relationship? 7 tips from an expert
“Boom, when our heart goes boom, everything with it goes boom, and it’s love that awakens,” sang Charles Trenet. You thought it was no longer for you, but here you are in love again! Between euphoria and apprehension, our advice for fully experiencing this new adventure.
Love? “ I have already given, thank you! ”, “ It’s over for me, I suffered too much ”, “ It’s impossible for this to happen to me again… ”. Let us be wary of definitive sentences and ready-made sentences on the subject. Firstly because Cupid has several strings to his bow and no one is safe from (umpteenth) love at first sight, as confirmed by Sandra Ouaknine, clinical psychologist, family and marriage therapist. ” There is no age to fall in love, of course, depending on each person’s emotional history and possible trauma (toxic relationship, painful divorce , loss of a loved one, etc.), there may be apprehensions , but that will not prevent the feeling of love from happening. It is instinctive. In reality, nothing can prevent it .” Then, because it would be a shame to miss out on a new love story , when it carries the promise of wonderful moments and the sweetest, undoubtedly, thrills…
I enjoy the butterflies in my stomach again
Your heart is racing, your hands are sweaty, your feeling of loss, do you feel like a young girl on her first date? Good news: all the lights are green!
How to achieve this? “ The emotional and physiological reactions generated by the feeling of love are the same whether we are 20 years old or 60 years old ,” says Sandra Ouaknine. It then remains to distinguish a simple crush from a possibly lasting relationship… ” Love is also a question of temporality , adds the expert. The question is to know if it is the right time. Because, after a separation or a bereavement for example, it is necessary to have time for yourself before being able to reinvest yourself peacefully.”
The advice in addition to the psychologist. Take stock of your desire. ” If we feel overcome by nostalgia, it is perhaps that we are not yet ready and that we will not yet be able to give the new relationship sufficient space so that it can develop. live fully , notes Caroline Kruse, marriage and family counselor. Hence the importance of taking your time, of not committing too quickly to the other .”
I assume who I am and stop thinking
Will I please him? How will he look at my body? How could he fall in love with me with all the crap I have around? The questions flood in and, with them, the doubts. What if we stopped thinking and lived things day by day…
How to achieve this? By playing down the drama! “ If it comes to physical complexes , we can already tell ourselves that the person we are in love with experiences exactly the same fears ,” says Caroline Kruse. We need to talk about it, with humor. Sensuality has no age .” Sandra Ouaknine adds: ” Women are not the only ones to age , men too! ” As for the “shadowy parts” of our history (a depressive passage for example), our faults or our wounds (or that we considered as such!), the worst mistake would be to try to hide them.
The advice in addition to the psychologist. “ It is important to show yourself as you are ,” says Sandra Ouaknine. If you hide a part of yourself by telling yourself “I want to please him at all costs !”, the relationship will start on the wrong foundations. You will not be able to never be confident, because you will never feel fully loved. And you will always need reassurance . “
I make sure not to repeat the mistakes of the past
A scenario (of failure) that repeats itself, the same reproaches that fly. Your previous stories have all ended in blood sausage. And if you get out of this repetitive pattern…
How to achieve this? By questioning our personal history. “ Our love stories are built based on what we experienced in childhood, on our parental model ,” analyzes Sandra Ouaknine. For example: if a woman is convinced that all men are bastards, because her father behaved badly towards her mother and/or because her mother repeated this statement to her throughout her childhood, she may have a tendency, unconsciously, to enter into relationships with men who confirm this belief .
The advice in addition to the psychologist. Do not hesitate to consult. “ This work on oneself can be done alone, through readings for example, but it can be useful to get help from a professional, advises Sandra Ouaknine. Because our beliefs are difficult to identify to the extent that we have always considered them like truths.”
I agree to let myself be surprised
In love, you have until now remained on marked paths. But this time, the one of your heart seems very different from the men you may have known. Curiosity, open-mindedness, are you there?
How to achieve this? “ The idea is to adopt a welcoming attitude ,” notes Caroline Kruse, marriage and family counselor. “That is to say, without tension, without requiring the other to correspond to a pre-established pattern. Share is it our tastes, our values, our love of life? If so, we must give this relationship every chance by building it little by little.”
The advice in addition to the psychologist. Don’t have excessive or “off-topic” expectations of your partner. “ We must accept that the other is not perfect and free them as much as possible from the projections we have of them ,” explains Caroline Kruse. Because one of the traps, in a couple, is wanting to play another a role that is not one’s own. For example that of repairing a painful past, of taking the place of an unloving parent, of a husband who left too soon… The danger is to inevitably create disappointment .”
I don’t blame myself if my children aren’t enthusiastic
They instantly took a dislike to him and didn’t give him a chance. Since the meeting, it has been the Cold War and the reprimands have been raining down. Of course, this is a downside, because you don’t want your happiness to cause their unhappiness…
How to achieve this? By avoiding braking. “ You have to try to understand what is behind the anger that is expressed ,” says psychologist Sandra Ouaknine. “There may be a fear, for example, that your relationship will suffer from this new love , or very often, too, a form of sadness, because the father’s mourning, for example, is not resolved or the divorce is still not accepted. In all cases, if we manage to access what is hidden behind the anger, we will be able to provide the right emotional response to our child, in this case, reassuring or consoling them.” However, sometimes children’s comments are prompts that it is in our interest to take into account. Indeed, those around us sometimes see things that escape us: toxic behavior , malicious intentions, etc.
The advice in addition to the psychologist. Neither submission nor force! “ Try to see if it is possible to defuse this hostility through brief, gradual meetings,” suggests Caroline Kruse. Avoid, from the outset, long dinners, as well as family gatherings during which the new partner risks feeling unnecessarily hurt or excluded from a past he cannot share.”
I don’t put pressure on myself
After 50 or 60 years, a romantic relationship is freed from societal expectations: formalization of the relationship with parents, plans for children, etc. What a relief !
How to achieve this? By enjoying the comfort and freedom inherent in this story. “ After a certain age, we paradoxically have more time to get to know ourselves,” emphasizes Caroline Kruse. “ And this time must be taken to ensure that adjustment is possible .”
The advice in addition to the psychologist. Make the choices that suit you! “ Many couples who get back together after a certain age prefer, for example, to keep their apartment, at least for a while, explains the expert. While seeing each other, as lovers, several times a week. Going to a restaurant, to a show , go on vacation together. In short, keep only what makes you happy from life together, avoiding the friction of everyday life.”
I accept to be complimented
For a long time, you were wary of it, because it happened that the words turned against you… However, when they are sincere and without calculation, compliments do a lot of good.
How to achieve this? “ A compliment is a verbal caress, analyzes Caroline Kruse. Telling others what you like about them is a way of reassuring them, making them feel secure and strengthening their self-esteem. ” No reason, in fact. , to stop when the relationship lasts over time. “ I invite the couples who come to see me to (also) tell each other what is going well, what makes them happy together ,” notes the therapist.
The advice in addition to the psychologist. “ If you have difficulty receiving compliments, it is important to say so and explain why, so that your partner understands that the problem does not come from him ,” advises the expert. As for those who give compliments, be careful not to go overboard, because the risk is to devalue them.
